I am ending my Bible study tonight. It has been great, I went out on a limb joining a study group with ladies most I had never met and really no one that I really “knew”. I am leaving the study grateful for all the discussions and insight that everyone had to offer. I am also embarking on the end to other relationships that have been ongoing, some for over 4 years. Now the relationships wont ever end but they will change and life is going to be different as it is with any change. But I am thankful for fellowship that is engrossed in studying the Bible. I would say that I have always appreciated the relationships that I have gained because of Christ. There is power in joining fellow Christians in a more intimate setting. If you let it, those people can help you through some amazing things in your life. I am smiling as I think back to my first Sunday school class, the class where I was introduced to Jesus and accepted him as my personal savior. I then jump to a time when I needed friends as I had moved to a new city and I made some life long friends from those classes where we discussed the Bible and life together. Those very people shaped me toward the direction my life has taken me to do missions. When Matt and I were married it was our Bible study class that helped us realize our mission field and supported us on the leap of faith we took to move to Uganda. When we returned from Uganda we had two very special small groups that supported us through child rearing and then again our decision to move back to Uganda. All that to say. I am totally for life groups! What are life groups, people you do life with, who can steer you in the right direction, encourage you along the way, pray for you and teach you things you never knew. But I also would hope that those same relationships and small groups were blessed by my investment too. I miss and will miss some of those moments when we wept together, laughed together and prayed together.
As of late it has been made more apparent that juggling the needs of two kids with different ages and therefore needs is a challenge. Just when you think you have passed a difficult phase of their development, boom another one comes along. I know that this is normal, however it still takes me awhile to adjust. Self doubt on whether I can really do this whole parenting thing really is a moment to moment issue. I often feel like a failure due to the ups and downs of the moods in this household. I often feel like a child myself but with the responsibility of the world. For example the emotions that my kids exhibit are sometimes then coming out of me. I sound like a whiny infant, the same annoyance that bothers me is now finding its way out of my mouth. Melt downs are so random and creativity and problem solving are a constant need to calm the rage of the 3.5 and almost 2 year old along with the 30 something year old who is trying to be “super” all the time. I often think and am so very thankful that I do not have the hard task of doing this all by myself.
God, (deep relaxing sigh) I am so thankful that I know Him, that I can count on him. I find myself crying out to him, asking him to forgive me, to give me patience, to give me energy, to give me love and understanding. He delivers every time, if only I would just remember to pause and seek him first before my meltdowns. Sure I don’t always feel that I am getting the needed inspiration or extra dose of patience, but I know he is there. I seriously don’t know how other people do it without God. I know how much I sin and do things that are out of character for whatever excuse. I would be a mess, my family would be a mess and then we would go into the world and create more messes. Aha that’s why the word IS a mess, because there are people who don’t rely on a God that can reign them back in, to calm the storms in there life, to give them that hope that they need to make it through the tantrums and the long nights.
Thank you God right now for giving me these few minutes to write down my struggles and my experiences. May they be a blessing to someone and may they know that they too can get through the craziness of life, if they have you. Well duty calls, I currently have a child who needs my help, laundry that needs to go in the dryer and a runny nose that needs to be wiped.
Until the next time…
Well it’s almost here, according to the calendar. The weather has improved and the snow is almost all melted. It has created quite the mud pit outside, thus we are hanging out in our rain boots. I figure they should get used to wearing rain boots for when they experience the rainy season in Uganda.
This month is also one of a new season in a different sense too. This month will mark the one year anniversary of my beautiful grandma dee leaving this earth and making her new home in Heaven. Looking back it seems like it can’t be true, at times I just think she is away visiting friends and hanging out in Texas. But the fact that spring is coming makes me face the fact that indeed she is not present on this earth.
This spring brings change that we have been praying for too. Changes to our location, we are ready to move. We are excited for the change and know it will be lots of work and an adjustment for everyone.
Change can be scary, sad, exciting, inviting but most of all it means something different. I think that it only becomes what you make it. Embraced change is only what you make it. I am going to try my best and with all of lifes changes, the good, bad and the ugly to allow God to move within me to make those changes reflect His glory. May everything that I do be a reflection of who God is, His very character shining through me. I know that I can only do this if I am in prayer, reading, and reflecting on the truth of who God is and how He can work through me.
So if you are scared of change, pray, because change is inevitable. You can choose to ignore it or embrace it; the outcome is how you choose to deal with it.